While most people “play” by the rules we want you to “think different” and consider that these rules prevent you from having good wholesome alcohol fun.  Thanks to these 6 concealed, portable, and sometimes wearable flasks you’ll no longer have to pay for overpriced alcohol or be prevented from taking a swig of vodka during your company meetings.

We’ve calculated the “street value” of alcohol you would be carrying by using these flasks based on $10 a shot (Hollywood club prices).  This is the money you would have paid for individual drinks totaling to what you can sneak in.

6.  Reef “Dram” Sandal Flasks – Carries $20 in Alcohol

Hidden and integrated inside each of the heels in these sandals is a 1.5 ounce container that holds up to 3 ounces of alcohol or 2 shots of hard liquor.  It doesn’t hold enough alcohol to get you truly hammered, but you won’t have to worry about getting caught as your sandals are the last place people would suspect alcohol to be hidden.  Price: $35 Learn More

5.  Sneaky Shorts – Disguised Flask – Carries $160 in Alcohol

Attached to a pair of thin shorts you can wear this underneath a pair of shorts or pants and now have access to 24 ounces of alcohol – 2 beers or 16 shots of hard alcohol.  At filled capacity it will look like you have gigantic quads.  If you drink only one side of the flask you’ll look like a freak of nature.  Might be fun to see people’s reaction.  Price $22 Learn More

4.  Booze Belly Concealed Flask Belt – Carries $165 in Alcohol

Belt this around your waist and you now are carrying 750 ml or 25.3 ounces of concealed alcohol fun – about 2 beers or 16.5 shots of liquor.  It’s also leak proof and even comes with a filling hose.   Downside is that if you are wearing this and it’s full you’ll look flabby and out of shape, which might ruin your game, but as you drink you’ll magically get thinner.  Price: $10 Learn more

3.  Wine Rack Bra Flask – Carries $165 in Alcohol

Primarily a woman’s only product that when worn over the bosoms will not only hold 750 ml or 25.3 ounces of alcohol, but also increase bust size by two full cups!  The downside is whereas the Booze Belly user will become slimmer as they drink, the wine rack bra user will become flatter as they drink which might turn off some guys, but maybe by then they’ll be too drunk to notice.  Price: $30 Learn more

2.  Sippin’ Seat Flask Stadium Seat Cushion – Carries $240 in Alcohol

Perfect for sneaking in alcohol into sporting events or outdoor concerts.  What’s great about the stadium seat cushion flask is its carrying capacity. It holds 36 ounces – 3 beers, a bottle of wine, or 24 shots of your favorite hard alcohol.  Downside is if you start carrying this thing around everywhere you go people might think your butt is pretty sensitive. Price: $30 Learn more

1.  Beerbelly Stealth Beverage System – Carries $800 in Alcohol

This is the Booze Belly, but super-sized.  It holds a whopping 80 ounces of alcohol – 6 beers, 2 bottles of wine, or 53 shots of alcohol (enough to kill you, unless you are andre the giant).  You will look either fat or pregnant (or both) depending if you are a guy or girl wearing this.  Downside is if you are a smaller-framed person this will definitely look funny on you.  Give it a shot.  Price: $35 Learn More

BONUS: Ultimate Concealable Alcohol Outfit – Carries $1,680 in Alcohol

We wondered how much alcohol someone could possibly sneak into say a Jonas Brothers concert by combining all the above mentioned products.  Granted this person would look horrendous, but probably could pass as just being fat.  This is the configuration we came up with to maximize alcohol potential:

• Reef Dram Sandals:  3 oz, cost: $35
• Sneaky Shorts:  24 oz, cost: $22
• Wine Rack Bra:  25 oz, cost: $30
• Sippin Seat:  36 oz, cost: $30
• Beerbelly:  80 oz, cost:$35

Wearing and bringing all of the above products will allow you to carry 168 ounces of alcohol.  For paying $152 for this equipment you can now sneak in alcohol street valued at $1,680.  Of course you’ll also be adding 10.5 pounds to your weight, but at least you’ll never be thirsty and you just might now enjoy that Jonas Brothers concert.

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Ok I admit, it looks pretty silly.  You probably are thinking “I don’t need this. If I need to put down my drink to use my other hand, I’ll just put it down.”  Yes, you can do this, but do you really want to risk it?  This is what could happen if you don’t have the Beer Pouch Hoodie Sweatshirt.

Risks of Not Owning the Beer Pouch Sweatshirt:

• Someone will knock over your drink
• You will knock over your drink
• An animal will knock over your drink
• An earthquake will knock over your drink
• Someone will drug or poison your drink and then murder, rape, or burn you alive

Are the risks of not owning the shirt worth it?  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go out of this world being burned alive.  So what is the shirt good for?

Benefits of the Beer Pouch Sweatshirt:

• Great for standing up/eating events: bbq’s, house parties, hiking, etc…
• Conversation starter and ice breaker (indirect way to pick up chicks)
• Perfect for needy girlfriends/boyfriends who always want you to hold their drink
• Prevents people from slipping a roofie into your drink

If that doesn’t convince you maybe this video will:

Some common questions/concerns:

• Won’t I get wet by sticking my drink there? No, not only is the beer pouch lined with nylon to keep you dry, it also keeps your drink cool.
• That’s great and all, but I don’t drink beer. Don’t drink beer?  What’s wrong with you?  Well, that’s fine. The beer pouch can hold all kinds of beverages thanks to its nifty elastic band.  So you can go back and drink your “Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”
• It’s kind of ugly, people will laugh at me. True, it’s not Abercrombie and Fitch, but the benefits outweigh the fashion.  When they spill their drink, you will have the last laugh.  Wear the sweartshirt with these barefoot shoes and you’ll truly be dressed to impress.

FuncFash-ness:  6.5/10

• Functional: 4/5 (your own personal cupholder where ever you go)
• Fashionable:  2.5/5 ( look pregnant or be mistaken for a kangaroo)

Where to Buy:

• Vat19: Beer Pouch Sweatshirt $35.95 (last update 7-24-009)

Features:

• Nylon insulated pouch with strong elastic band
• 90% cotton / 10% polyester
• Pouch is 5.5″ x 6″
• Comes in Medium, Large, Extra Large (no women’s sizes yet)

UPDATE:

I found a homemade “DIY” workaround for women who wish to have their own version of the Beer Pouch Sweatshirt. Click the photo below (word of caution it’s NSFW).  Enjoy.

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