Hapari Tankini Makes Your Breasts Bigger

Armanstein — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 23:51:44 +0000

I have to make a full disclosure here. When it comes to woman’s clothing I know absolutely nothing. However, today I learned about the tankini–the tank top / bikini hybrid swimsuit. According to wikipedia the tankini came about during the late 90’s, but I must have been too busy keeping track of bikinis to even notice “tankinis.”

I have google to thank for my tankini lesson. I was checking my email via gmail when one of the sponsored links came up. In this case it was the headline “Women’s Swim Tankinis” that grabbed my attention. At this point besides “bikinis” the only other “-ini” I was familiar with was Borat’s “mankini” (I’ll spare you the pictures…google it)

“What the hell is a tankini?” Was my first reaction and of curiosity followed where I had no choice but to click and learn further. This lead me to Hapari’s Modest Tankinis page where some questions were answered, but more interesting questions were raised. I got the majority of my answers from the page description at the top.

Cool was my next thought. For women who don’t want to show the world their intimate parts they can cover up and not seem like too much of a prude. Oh, and look “every tankini swimsuit can be worn three different ways: halter, tank, and criss cross!” That’s pretty neat buy one tankini and have three different ways to wear it.

However, in my haste in reading, I missed the coolest / weirdest part about Hapari’s tankini.

What? It has pockets for silicone breast inserts? When I hear “silicone” and “breast” used in the same sentence I immediately think of breast implants. So according to this description not only are there 3 ways to wear the tankini, but there’s also a breast implant slot where you can slip in different silicone inserts and achieve “Illusions.” Illusions, which I can only interpret as “illusions” of bigger breasts (perhaps instead of women getting breast implants they should get breast “illusions”). But how big can the “illusion” get?

For $19.99 you can purchase the “Full Illusion” silicone insert which will increase your breast size from 1.5 to 2 full bra cup sizes and is also safe to be used in salt water and chlorinated pools. These guys think of everything. Though, I wonder does silicone float?

In the end I had an educational day and was thoroughly impressed by the state of women’s swimwear. I thought women’s clothing was pretty boring (except for the dissolving bikini), but the Hapari Tankini has proven me wrong by creating a modest swimsuit top which can be worn three different ways and features magical “illusion” technology which will enhance breast size. I guess the final question is when do men get our “Illusion” technology?

FuncFash-ness: 8/10

Functional: 4/5 (three different ways to wear it and breast “illusion” inserts)
Fashionable: 4/5 (Looks pretty good, but then again I don’t know what a Tankini is supposed to look like)

Where to Buy:

Hapari: Tankini Modest Swimwear various styles $20.99 – $48 (last updated 8-18-09)

Features:

Wear as a halter, criss cross, or tank top
Features inserts for silicone breast enhancements

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How to Use the Dissolving Get Naked Bikini

Armanstein — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:00:42 +0000

A German company is now selling a bikini that completely partly dissolves in water in under 3 minutes appropriately named the “Get Naked Bikini.” While this may seem counter-productive and not really worthy of a FuncFash post since the purpose of a bikini is to cover up a woman’s more intimate parts, the water soluble bikini has a more psychological warfare function to it–namely, revenge and practical jokes.

Potential Scenario and Setup:

Things you will need: attractive women, house with a pool/hot tub, several Get Naked Bikinis, and alcohol (recommended)

Step by step guide:

Invite a bunch of hot girls to your house for a party. NOTE: Do not tell them it’s a pool/hot tub party.
If possible serve ridiculous amounts of alcohol. Guests are socially more comfortable after a few drinks.
After guests are “comfortable” suggest taking a dip in the pool (hot tub is better). Something like “Hey, I gotta idea, let’s hop in the pool/hot tub!”
Be prepared, you will most likely face rejection. Guests might say, “A dip in the hot tub would be great, but I didn’t bring a swim suit!”
Respond “That’s a shame…wait a minute! My roommate sells bikinis and has a bunch of bikinis he always gives away. You guys could wear one of those.” REMINDER: Be charming in your response.
Distribute get naked bikinis to your guests.
Jump in the pool or hot tub.
Wait 3 minutes.
Enjoy the show. If this doesn’t get your blood pumping, try eating some ice cream.
Lose your attractive women friends.
Go make new attractive women friends. (You can try becoming a douche bag.)
Repeat step 1.

Even though this German company is among the first to sell this type of dissolving bikini this kind of swimwear has existed for some time. We found this Japanese video clip from their version of Candid Camera where they pranked a woman into doing a hot springs commercial wearing a dissolving bikini. The girls are persuaded into having a water splashing fight which leads to disaster (skip to 1:18 to see the fight and reaction).

For 9.99 euros (or $14.34) you could buy your own Get Naked Bikini direct from their German store aptly named RevengeShop. Fortunately or unfortunately, they don’t ship to the United States anymore. Maybe the US has some anti-dissolving bikini laws. I guess you’ll just have to stick to using these items you perv! I’m kidding. But seriously, if you want to see some cool deals, check this out.

And ladies who think that this product is too sexist have no fear, you guys can get revenge with Get Naked Pants. Though from the advertising I don’t know who would want to see this guy without pants…

VIDEO UPDATE: SEE THE DISSOLVING BIKINI in ACTION (NSFW)

A Belgium website (Clint.be) has a demonstration of the actual Get Naked Bikini being used in the field. Since you might not be able to read Dutch we’ve embedded the video here. For people who are squeamish at the sight of breasts we don’t recommend you watch or even think about pressing play. You’ve been warned.

Overall, I feel a little bamboozled by the dissolving bikini…when I read that the bikini dissolves completely in 3 minutes I was thinking that the whole thing would disappear. However, from the video it’s clear only the seams that hold the bikini together break apart. The reality is if someone really did wear this and it “dissolved” they could still cover themselves up with the remaining bikini.

MORE FuncFash STORIES

What in the world is a Tankini? My lesson in modest tankini swimwear
If you want to learn how to store a bycicle in a suitcase look into a Truly Foldable Bicycle.
If you want to stay dry and be the pimp of the beach you need The Wearable Towel.
The always popular tutorial: How to carry thousands of dollars of concealed alcohol.
And if you want to impress these women below, you pick up a Douche Bag Sunglasses T-Shirt. Or just click on the image.

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