Malacca Umbrella Flask for High Net Worth Drinkers

Armanstein — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 20:59:58 +0000

Swaine Adeney Brigg’s Malacca Umbrella is a high class umbrella that has a screw-in glass flask integrated into the handle of the umbrella, perfect for those depressing rainy days where the only way to lift your spirits is with a spirit. Why do I say it’s a “high class” umbrella? Only because this umbrella is over $745 (£450.00).

What do you get for $745?

Handcrafted 2 piece umbrella with a tulip wood shaft
Handle is made out of Malacca wood (which is apparently really expensive wood from Malacca, the 3rd smallest state in Malaysia)
A screw-in glass flask

What does it do?

Protects you from getting wet
Allows you to smuggle in alcohol, or if you really wanted cocaine

Ok, so $745 may seem expensive, but just how more expensive is the Malacca Umbrella compared to other stuff? Well compared to our other concealed flasks which we covered this by far is the most expensive flask (if you bought the 6 flasks that we profiled it would only cost $152).

Since this flask/umbrella is in a league of its own let’s look at it another way. If umbrellas were like cars than the Malacca Umbrella would be like the Ferrari of umbrellas. Just to put things into perspective let’s do a simple comparison:

Honda Civic $15,000 vs Ferrari $150,000 (Ferrari 10x expensive)

Butterfly Umbrella $12 vs Malacca Flask Umbrella $745 (Malacca 62x expensive)

If you are an alcoholic Richie Rich or Bill Gates than the Brigg’s Malacca Flask Umbrella is just what you need.

FuncFash-ness: 6/10

Functional: 3/5 (the added flask is pretty cool since most umbrellas are sans flask)
Fashionable: 3/5 (it looks like any other nice gentleman-style umbrella)

Where to Buy:

Swaine Adeney Brigg: Malacca Flask Umbrella (25′) £450.00

If you like this kind of stuff subscribe to the RSS feed or get it delivered through email Or follow us on Twitter. For the really cool…Fan Us on Facebooker.

Carry Thousands of Dollars in Alcohol with 6 Concealed Alcohol Flasks

Armanstein — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:30:38 +0000

We here at FuncFash don’t condone alcoholism, but do believe as adults we have the right to choose where and when we would like to drink. However, there are many places and establishments that disagree with our Alcohol Bill of Rights. Some places outright ban any drinking of alcoholic beverages (the beach) while others only allow you to drink if you buy their expensive alcohol (the night club). And then there are places where you shouldn’t drink, but would like to drink (church).

While most people “play” by the rules we want you to “think different” and consider that these rules prevent you from having good wholesome alcohol fun. Thanks to these 6 concealed, portable, and sometimes wearable flasks you’ll no longer have to pay for overpriced alcohol or be prevented from taking a swig of vodka during your company meetings.

We’ve calculated the “street value” of alcohol you would be carrying by using these flasks based on $10 a shot (Hollywood club prices). This is the money you would have paid for individual drinks totaling to what you can sneak in.

6. Reef “Dram” Sandal Flasks – Carries $20 in Alcohol

Hidden and integrated inside each of the heels in these sandals is a 1.5 ounce container that holds up to 3 ounces of alcohol or 2 shots of hard liquor. It doesn’t hold enough alcohol to get you truly hammered, but you won’t have to worry about getting caught as your sandals are the last place people would suspect alcohol to be hidden. Price: $35 Learn More

5. Sneaky Shorts – Disguised Flask – Carries $160 in Alcohol

Attached to a pair of thin shorts you can wear this underneath a pair of shorts or pants and now have access to 24 ounces of alcohol – 2 beers or 16 shots of hard alcohol. At filled capacity it will look like you have gigantic quads. If you drink only one side of the flask you’ll look like a freak of nature. Might be fun to see people’s reaction. Price $22 Learn More

4. Booze Belly Concealed Flask Belt – Carries $165 in Alcohol

Belt this around your waist and you now are carrying 750 ml or 25.3 ounces of concealed alcohol fun – about 2 beers or 16.5 shots of liquor. It’s also leak proof and even comes with a filling hose. Downside is that if you are wearing this and it’s full you’ll look flabby and out of shape, which might ruin your game, but as you drink you’ll magically get thinner. Price: $10 Learn more

3. Wine Rack Bra Flask – Carries $165 in Alcohol

Primarily a woman’s only product that when worn over the bosoms will not only hold 750 ml or 25.3 ounces of alcohol, but also increase bust size by two full cups! The downside is whereas the Booze Belly user will become slimmer as they drink, the wine rack bra user will become flatter as they drink which might turn off some guys, but maybe by then they’ll be too drunk to notice. Price: $30 Learn more

2. Sippin’ Seat Flask Stadium Seat Cushion – Carries $240 in Alcohol

Perfect for sneaking in alcohol into sporting events or outdoor concerts. What’s great about the stadium seat cushion flask is its carrying capacity. It holds 36 ounces – 3 beers, a bottle of wine, or 24 shots of your favorite hard alcohol. Downside is if you start carrying this thing around everywhere you go people might think your butt is pretty sensitive. Price: $30 Learn more

1. Beerbelly Stealth Beverage System – Carries $800 in Alcohol

This is the Booze Belly, but super-sized. It holds a whopping 80 ounces of alcohol – 6 beers, 2 bottles of wine, or 53 shots of alcohol (enough to kill you, unless you are andre the giant). You will look either fat or pregnant (or both) depending if you are a guy or girl wearing this. Downside is if you are a smaller-framed person this will definitely look funny on you. Give it a shot. Price: $35 Learn More

BONUS: Ultimate Concealable Alcohol Outfit – Carries $1,680 in Alcohol

We wondered how much alcohol someone could possibly sneak into say a Jonas Brothers concert by combining all the above mentioned products. Granted this person would look horrendous, but probably could pass as just being fat. This is the configuration we came up with to maximize alcohol potential:

Reef Dram Sandals: 3 oz, cost: $35
Sneaky Shorts: 24 oz, cost: $22
Wine Rack Bra: 25 oz, cost: $30
Sippin Seat: 36 oz, cost: $30
Beerbelly: 80 oz, cost:$35

Wearing and bringing all of the above products will allow you to carry 168 ounces of alcohol. For paying $152 for this equipment you can now sneak in alcohol street valued at $1,680. Of course you’ll also be adding 10.5 pounds to your weight, but at least you’ll never be thirsty and you just might now enjoy that Jonas Brothers concert.

If you like this kind of stuff subscribe to the RSS feed or get it delivered through email Or follow us on Twitter.